Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you grew up in situations where other people made the rules or where saying “no” never felt safe. You might be used to keeping the peace, going along with things, or putting your own needs second.
But boundaries are not about being difficult or selfish.
They are about staying safe, steady, and well in your relationships.
This guide takes you through boundaries one small step at a time, in a way that is kind, realistic, and usable in real life.
Understanding what boundaries actually are
Boundaries are the lines you set to protect your time, emotions, body, energy, and space.
They help answer questions like:
What am I okay with?
What am I not okay with?
How close can people get?
What do I need to stay well?
Boundaries are not walls to shut everyone out.
They are doors with handles that you control.
Notice where things already feel “too much”
A good place to start is simply noticing where you feel drained, anxious, resentful, uncomfortable, or walked over.
This might be with friends, family or carers, partners, colleagues, professionals, or even group chats and social media.
If your body tightens, drops, or feels heavy around someone or something, that is often a sign a boundary is needed.
Decide what you want your boundary to be
You might ask yourself:
What would feel fair for me here?
What would make this situation feel safer?
What feels like too much for me to give?
What do I need to protect my energy?
Your boundary could be about how often you reply, what topics you discuss, how late people contact you, or how much you share.
It is okay if you are still working this out. You can start small and adjust.
If it helps to hear this explained out loud, this short video talks through what boundaries are and why they matter:
Examples of boundaries you might set
Boundaries can look different for everyone.
They are about noticing what helps you feel safe, respected, and able to cope day to day.
Click on the options below for more details on what these examples of boundaries may look like:
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For example, not replying immediately, muting group chats, or only responding at certain times of day so you can rest or focus.
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You are allowed to step away from conversations that feel too personal, triggering, or exhausting, even if others want to keep talking.
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This might mean no calls or messages after a certain time in the evening so your body and mind can wind down.
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You can choose what you keep private. You do not owe anyone full access to your story, feelings, or past.
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You are allowed to say what feels okay for your body, including saying no to touch, even with people you care about.
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It is okay to limit how much you give, especially if saying yes leaves you drained or resentful.
There is no “right” boundary. What matters is what feels safe, manageable, and respectful for you right now.
Practise simple boundary sentences
You do not need long explanations. Short, calm sentences are often more effective.
For example:
“I’m not available to talk about that right now.”
“I need some time to myself this evening.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I can’t do that, but I hope it goes well.”
“That topic is difficult for me. Can we change it?”
“I need you to speak to me respectfully.”
You are allowed to repeat yourself.
You do not need to over-explain.
Start with the safest people first
If boundaries feel new, you do not have to start with the hardest person in your life.
You can practise with someone you trust, a support worker, or a safe colleague. This helps your body learn that saying no can be okay and that good people will adjust.
Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first
Even when you are doing the right thing, you might feel guilt, fear of upsetting people, or worry they will leave.
This does not mean the boundary is wrong. It often means your nervous system is used to old patterns.
You can remind yourself:
“I’m allowed to protect my energy. Healthy people can handle my boundaries.”
Watch how people respond
Healthy responses respect your boundary, even if it takes adjustment. Unhealthy responses may involve guilt, anger, or ignoring what you said.
You are not responsible for managing their reaction. You are responsible for caring for yourself.
Repeat and reinforce when needed
Some boundaries need repeating. Saying something again does not make it less valid.
Sometimes people need time to adjust to a new version of you.
Have a backup plan if boundaries are ignored
If someone continues to push, it may help to limit contact, avoid certain topics, meet in public places, or get support from a professional or worker.
You are allowed to step back from people who repeatedly ignore your limits.
Remember that your needs matter too
Your comfort, safety, and energy are not extras. They matter.
Boundaries are simply you saying:
“My wellbeing is worth protecting.”
Reflective moment
If setting boundaries feels scary, that makes sense. Many care-experienced young people learned that keeping others calm mattered more than their own needs.
But now, you have more choice.
You are allowed to build relationships that do not cost you yourself.
Closing thoughts
Setting boundaries is not about shutting people out. It is about staying safe, respected, and steady.
With small steps and patience, boundaries become easier.
You are not asking for too much.